Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type
Chuckles for the week
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Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type
British Humor
a little dog will do ya
Enjoy . . .
ONE LINERS
my husband if I was the only one he had ever slept with. He said yes, all the others were nines and tens.
Give it a minute….
I’m on two diets. I wasn’t getting enough food on one.
A cold seat in a public restroom is unpleasant. A warm seat in a public restroom is worse.
Apparently RSVP’ing to a wedding invitation “Maybe next time,” isn’t the correct response.
Don’t irritate old people. The older we get, the less “Life in prison” is a deterrent.
Have you ever listened to someone for a minute and thought “Their cornbread isn’t done in the middle.”
Aliens probably fly by earth and lock their doors.
“You will hit every cone on the highway before I let you merge in front of me because you saw that sign 2 miles ago like I did.”
I really don’t mind getting older, but my body is taking it badly.
It turns out that being an adult now is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
I miss the 90’s when bread was still good for you and no one knew what kale was.
Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think “That can’t be accurate.”
I want to be 14 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
As I watch this new generation try to rewrite our history, one thing I’m sure of…it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for Tuesday. (This is from the guy in the first one!!!)
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make food right in front of you. I took her to Subway.
I picked up a hitchhiker. He asked if I wasn’t afraid, he might be a serial killer? I told him the odds of two serial killers being in the same car were extremely unlikely.
I went line dancing last night. OK, it was a roadside sobriety test.. same thing.
WHO KNEW IT
VERY INTERESTING STUFF
In the 1400’s a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed To beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have ‘the rule Of thumb’
Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled ‘Gentlemen Only…Ladies Forbidden’…and thus, the word GOLF entered Into the English language.
The first couple to Be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
Men can read smaller Print than women can; women can hear better.
Coca-Cola was Originally green.
It is impossible to lick Your elbow.
The State with the Highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get This…) The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
The cost of raising A medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $ 16,400
The average number Of people airborne over the U.S. In any given Hour: 61,000 (this is significantly less since Covid-19)
Intelligent people Have more zinc and copper in their hair..
The first novel ever Written on a typewriter, Tom Sawyer.
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
Each king in a deck Of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades – King David
Hearts – Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, The Great
Diamonds – Julius Caesar
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 =
12,345,678,987, 654,321
If a statue in the Park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, The person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in The air, the person died because of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died Of natural causes
(If the statue is on the ground it is because of political reasons!)
Only two people Signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4, John Hancock And Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but The last signature wasn’t added until 5 years later.
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? A. Their birthplace
Q. Most boat owners Name their boats. What is the most popular boat name Requested?
A. Obsession
Q.. If you were to Spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you Would find the letter ‘A’? A. One Thousand
Q. What do Bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser Printers have in common?
A. All were invented By women.
Q. What is the only Food that doesn’t spoil?
A. Honey
In Shakespeare’s time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase…’Goodnight , sleep tight’
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride’s father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts.. So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them ‘Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.’ It’s where we get the phrase ‘mind your P’s and Q’s’
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill , they used the whistle to get some service. ‘Wet your whistle’ is the phrase inspired by this practice.
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow! .
Don’t delete this paragraph below just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2021 when..
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don’t have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12 You’re reading this and nodding and laughing
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a #9 on this list
Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to! Go lick your elbow.
Do Politicians Lie?
As the saying goes, only when their lips move.
A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them. “We have two big needs,” said the village headman. “First, we have a small hospital but no doctor. “The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said, “I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?” “We have no cellphone reception in our village.
Signs of 2020
Nine Important Facts to Remember as We Grow Older
And on the 8th day, God created Seniors.
Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys, and other things, thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things, requiring them to bend, reach, and stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature, requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.
So if you find, as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it’s God’s will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.
Nine Important Facts to Remember as We Grow Older
#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
#8 Life is sexually transmitted.
#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
#6 Men have two motivations: hunger and hanky-panky, and they can’t tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
#2 In the 60’s, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.
Please share this wisdom with others; I need to go to the bathroom.
Sad but Amusing
Seventy years, Peanuts
Happy 70th Birthday, Peanuts! We grew up with you and you brought a lot of joy into our lives…you still do!
You might like to recall…October 3, 1950 Peanuts ” first debuted in seven newspapers under the United Features Syndicate
Developed by Charles M. Schulz, who was raised Lutheran in Minneapolis and Saint Paul, Minnesota, “Peanuts” ran for nearly 50 years and was published in 2,600 newspapers, 75 countries and 21 languages.
Take the time to look at these gems of wisdom from good old Charles Schultz…………..wonderful!
Please Share This Wisdom If You Like….
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